DAY 21: The one where even though I lose, I win.

Today is Day 21 of Deepak Chopra and Oprah’s 21 day meditation challenge Desire and Destiny. Hallelujah!!! At the top of the meditation Deepak congratulated me for completing the 21 day challenge. (It’s pre-recorded. He doesn’t know it actually took me 45. But who’s counting?) The centering thought of this very special mediation is, “My Destiny is joy.” And it all focused on the idea that nothing is too extraordinary. If you can dream it, then you can do it. So go ahead, dream a bigger dream for yourself. I LOVED this meditation especially. I actually listened to it two days in a row because I was awaiting good news and expected to write you a jubilant conclusion to my meditation journey to prove that dreams really do come true.

Except when they don’t. Let me back up. I auditioned for the lead role in an indie film about a week ago. First round of auditions I had to put two scenes on tape. “This will be easy,” I thought to myself. Because the majority of actors are lazy AF. In the face of having to do work that is slightly inconvenient, about 1/4 won’t even try. Another 1/4 will shoot it on their iPhone with no lighting or prep. I had a friend put me on tape with a lighting kit, background, and mic. (Thank you N!!) Plus I was completely off book for both scenes. Easy callback.

I go for the in person audition. Now it’s narrowed down to probably 50 or 60 girls. BUT I have an advantage because I know the director. He had just cast me in a staged reading of one of his other scripts a month before. AND the male lead opposite me in that reading turned out to be cast as the lead in THIS film. He was at this audition reading with me and I already knew we had great chemistry. I was feeling GOOD. I got a callback to producers on the spot. Whooo!!! Who’s on fire?

Now I get the whole script and the director legit wants me to learn about 8 different scenes. But I figure it’s worth it because if I get this I shoot in Palm Springs for three weeks, get paid to act, and most importantly, don’t have to go to my serving job. And I won’t lie to you, I’m feeling confident. I feel like the stars have aligned and this is my role.

I go to acting class and tell my acting teacher about it. And he even says that I’m going to get it. I deserve it. I’ve been working so hard. That I just have to go in there and say, “It’s my turn.” Coincidentally, in the meditation Deepak encourages us to say, “now is the time.” I mean, it was all coming together. All signs pointed to yes. I knew that script inside and out. The music in the meditation even sounded like my battle anthem. It was time to kick some ass.

And I did. I really did. I performed each scene flawlessly. I could not have done any better if I tried. But when I left I had a weird feeling in my gut. Mostly because I had heard the director raving about the girl in the room ahead of me (when I had been thinking she was way over acting) and then with me he seemed distant. Nothing specifically. He said I did great. But I just KNEW.

He had told me that he was going to let us know by the next day if we got it. And that day was agony. I didn’t hear. Even though I checked my phone 100 times. I even turned it off and restarted it, just IN CASE something was wrong with my phone and the call wasn’t coming through. I had already suspected but it still really sucked. I told myself all the regular things, “If not this then something better.” Who knows, maybe the movie would have sucked. Maybe I would have missed out on a bigger opportunity while I was in Palm Springs. Maybe aliens would have attacked and I’d have lost an ear. Anything to make the pain stop.

I finally reached out for feedback just to hear either way and this was the response:

IMG_3705

So out of 5,000 girls I was in the top 5. I know that should make me feel better but I already KNEW that. Not to sound conceited, but my self esteem is way up in regards to my acting talent. Working on the belief that “I’m good enough” has taken YEARS. I believe it is necessary to be that confident in yourself in order to make it in this business because you have to have a thick skin and are going up against crazy odds. So while his comments were great, I wanted ANSWERS. Why? The other girl was a red head? I was too strong? Too sarcastic? So pretty I’d over shadow the male lead? (I’d take that one.) But no answers were given. Maybe there is no concrete answer. The last 5 were probably all good. He just liked that one for whatever reason. She reminded him of his high school sweetheart, I don’t know.

Thd only thing I could do was surrender to the reality of the circumstances and just let go. I have to believe my opportunity is on its way. But in the meantime I went and drank some wine. A girlfriend and I went to this great wine bar and had an amazing bottle with great food and convo. I forgot about everything and I really did feel joyful in my life.

So when I got home and saw an audition from my agent for a major network show for Monday I thought it was fate. I mean this is the fourth time I’ve been called in straight to producers. I know Casting likes me. And this part is perfect for me. So life goes on. Even though I lost one role, there are more to be had. And I am going to book. I can evolve my dreams into reality. Even if it takes me 300 tries, or 1,000, or I’m like 80 in an adult diaper commercial. It will be OK. Because I am taking a chance as I reach for the stars. And I trust in God and his purpose for me.

So as I meditated once again to the mantra of “Om Bhavam Namah,” which means, “I am absolute existence. I am a field of all possibilities.” I had visions of a Network credit in my head and pride in myself, because I’m out here going after exactly what I want despite all the odds. And so can you.

And so it is.

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